This is the day that for the past year I have been waiting for. A little reassurance that all of my worrying, loving, caring, creeping in and checking on a sleeping child and sleepless nights was well worth it. Who ever knew that 12 months could go by so quickly. I remember the first two months, and hated whenever anyone would tell me that it goes by so fast. I really would look at them and think... "Are you stupid? It feels like my days run into my nights, which run into my days. That my life revolves around a bottle and a diaper." But I honestly can say, after those 2 months, the time has just flown by. And that leads us to today... 1 year of pure bliss with Mattie. She has grown up so much and I can't imagine loving anything or anyone more. The past couple of days I have been reminiscent of where I was a year ago at that very moment, how Mattie was in my belly moving all about, how I was in the hospital the night before they induced me awaiting the next day anxiously with my mom by my side. Then remembering a year ago yesterday when I was at my most frightened moment of my life, when the pain seemed to much to go through, and how that little shot in my back felt like heaven on earth. Also how scared I was when that monitored starting showing signs of Mattie in distress.
Last night I looked at the clock around 11 and thought...ok, last year at this moment I remember looking at the clock in the hospital, thinking Dr. Fazzoli should be in here at any moment to tell me its time to welcome Mattie into the world and how ready I was to get this whole thing over with. I remembered how I begged and begged for a C-section the whole time I was pregnant, and when they told me I actually got my wish, how scared I became...instantly. I remember how silly Scott looked in his scrubs and sandals. I remember saying to myself..."You can do this Renee, this is what you have been waiting for and Mattie will be in your arms in less than 1/2 of an hour and how lucky you will be when she is". And then I remember that cry. The cry that Mattie cried....just for me...just so I knew she was ok and that my job of being her mom had just begun. And gosh... I remember how I just wanted to see her up close, and Scott was holding her for the first time and he brought her over to the observation window to show my teary-eyed mom when I was laying there wanting to scream...HEY!!! SHE IS MINE...I WANT TO SEE HER FIRST. Remembering being taken into recovery for an hour while I really just wanted to see my baby. Then when the time came that I could, I was shaking from the epidural so bad that I really couldn't. Then felling so sad that I couldn't cuddle with her and have that bonding time because I just didn't trust myself until the next morning once the shaking subsided. Once I was alone that night, I cried because I wanted my baby with me. I wanted my mom to stay and for Scott to be there too, but I told them to go home and rest and that I would be fine. I remember thinking, "why did I do that, I have never been alone in a hospital overnight, especially my first night of being a mom." My favorite memory, the one where the nurse came in at 10am, I was all alone, she wheeled in my baby and said this belongs to you. She gave me Mattie and she left us alone, it was just her and I for about an hour. No instruction manuals, no prodding nurses, just mother and daughter, looking at each other and finally getting that bonding time that I had waited for for nearly nine months. Those are the funny little memories I have had running through my head this week.
At 2:11 am on 7/18/06 my life instantly changed. Nothing could have prepared me for what my life was going to become. It was magical. I have a great picture of Mattie, the moment the brought her over to the "Clean Up Table" in the Operating Room. I have a picture of her at 2:11am. So last night, remembering that photo, and looking at Mattie, almost 1 year later I thought of one of my better ideas. So I grabbed the camera and set my alarm clock for 2:11am. When that alarm went off, I kissed my baby, whispered Happy Birthday and the started snapping pictures in the dark. I have started a new tradition. Every year, on her birthday/birth minute, I will snap a photo of her. She will have a collection of 7/18 2:11am photo's to compare how much she has grown over the years. Mattie didn't stir when I snapped the photo's. I couldn't see a thing through the eyepiece, just hoped that I was capturing some of the magic we captured in her very first photo.
Her birthday was an emotional day for me. No one could tell from the outside, but on the inside, a little piece of me was breaking. My baby is no longer in the baby stage. She is getting so big, and time will only make her bigger. I wish that I could keep her this way forever. I miss her sleeping on my chest, her nuzzling in my neck to keep warm and to shade her eyes. I know that I should have enjoyed those nights more when it was just her and I curled up on the couch reading Hop On Pop while I fed her her bedtime bottle. Now I just have to remember to cherish the morning smiles, the tugging on my leg because she wants to be picked up, the giggles when you make a silly face or noise, the food smushed all over her face and hidden in skin creases, our nap time fights when two stubborn people collide, one wanting for the other to go to sleep while the other wants to stay up, and all the little times in between. I really am so thankful that I have had so much time to share with Mattie her first year of her life. It seems like my life started all over once I had her. I have learned so much from such a small person. So Mattie's birthday feels like a birthday for myself also. I look forward to growing with Mattie. She makes me a better person, someone who is compassionate for little things. For that, I am the luckiest person and for that, I thank you Mattie. I love you. |
